I'm not going to settle.

     Tonight at youth we talked about how God created us to crave. More specifically, to crave Him. He created Adam and Eve with the desire for food, drink, and oxygen as well as for each other. We all have desires (cue Tristam "we all crave" ok I'm done lol). In our small group discussion the leader was saying that our society in America teaches us there is a specific path to happiness: good education, college, getting a well-paying job, getting married, owning a big house and nice cars, having kids, etc. But this won't always bring happiness. Only God will. The leader said that maybe God will say we can't have a relationship because we're supposed to go in a different direction and we have to be fine with that.
     I was delighted to hear him say this but at the same time it felt a little odd. I'm not normal. I don't crave relationships or friendships because I'm a loner. It's easy for me to not have a boyfriend, in fact it's what I want. Seeing everyone in youth that's my age (14!! so young) trying to date completely disgusts me. I don't say anything, but it disgusts me. I've known some of these people for years now and it saddens me to see them this way because it seems like they're way too materialistic. Like they're dating because they think it's 'cool' or something.
     Let me tell you, I'm never a person to just do something because it exists or it's 'cool'. I couldn't care less what's 'cool'. I WANT to be different. It's one of my deepest desires to be different. I don't know where I got it from, but it's sure there. I don't care what the current 'fashion trend' is because I'm going to wear whatever the heck I want (as long as it's modest and comfortable, mind you). I don't wear makeup because I live to please God, not the world, and in my personal opinion there's nothing wrong with my physical appearance. There's no point in makeup. It has no value to me.
     And I'm the same way about friendships, dating, marriage and kids and everything everyone expects a 'normal' person to do. Even sex. It all looks so black and white to me, because I live in a world of color deep inside. Music makes me more alive than anything else in this world, so I learned from my experience, and I got closer to music. People get annoyed because I'm so different, but I mean come on. Everyone has a different personality because if everyone was the same the world would be boring, right? Now take a step back. 7 billion people and counting on this planet and they all seem to live the same. Can't people see what a trap that is? Why on earth can't I be different?
     Also, what is the point of relationships at all? People seem to associate friendship with happiness for whatever reason. I associate friendship with pain, suffering, brokenness, sadness, and abuse. Maybe I've just never had a true friend in my life. But I don't understand what's so different. I don't understand family either. Okay, you're related to them but what's the point? Why does everybody act like family is the greatest thing in the universe when around my family I feel, for the most part, trapped and empty (no, I do not have social anxiety; I'm actually abnormally self confident for my age)? They're disappointed in my character traits that fulfill me the most. They think I'm blinded because I live in a beautiful reality. They never apologize when they hurt me the deepest. Tell me who's blinded here.
     (I know all that seems bold, and it was the hardest for me to put out, but I really want to express myself here. And those are some of my deepest thoughts. I'm not afraid to talk about them openly here. I'm doing this so I can learn and grow and then look back on who I was previously. But some parts of me will never change, and I'm getting to that.)
     People want me to choose 'priorities'. Okay, I will. The Monstercat Podcast. It's never failed me. Two years now and all it's done is made me feel alive, more alive than anything else in this world by a billion miles (I'm not even exaggerating). Yet people want to force me to focus on things that feel empty instead. If they love me, why don't they just let me run free? I could die tomorrow. Don't they want me to be happy? Is it so hard to let me go?
     Ok, that was a longer rant than I expected to take, but I did want to get these thoughts out there at some point. To conclude, I'm not going to settle for anything this world tells me. I listen to my own experience, and my own experience tells me to follow God and follow music. Tonight my youth pastor addressed those who are on sports teams, have a lot of friends, are dating, and yet feel empty. I'm the opposite. I'm not involved in sports, I have no friends (literally, and by the way, I love it), I'm not dating (and I never will), and yet I feel full. Why? Because I have all I need. What does that tell you?
     They'll try all they can to take it away from me. But nothing can separate me from God and the path He's chosen for me, which is music. So I'm not going to settle. I'm going to stand out. I'm going to be free. I'm going to keep living this way and no matter what happens I'm going to feel alive. I'm in the hands of the Creator of the universe. Nothing can truly go wrong now.

     That was interesting.





[UPDATE] 11/20/18

     I've made this as short and honest as possible. I'm here to clear up a few
things.
     One major change since this post is that I know now where my uniqueness came
from, and it's simple. God made me that way. I've learned to credit Him for
allowing me to stand out and giving me the strength to do so, because I
never would be able to otherwise. But it's not just something "I want"; it's
a calling. It's not as simple as what "makes me feel" a certain way; it's
about standing by the convictions that a lot of those "feelings" stemmed
from.
     Next I'm going to emphasize the paragraph entirely in parentheses. The
phrase 'deepest thoughts' means that the words in the paragraph above were
not concrete beliefs, but the most wild, free thoughts I had; the ones way
deep down in the crevices of my mind; the ones I wouldn't normally share.
And I knew I was being bold in doing so. This post was meant to explore that
ability to share, not to be the angry vent it may seem like from a certain
perspective. Topically, it's all over the place, not nearly as focused as I
would write it now. By the very last sentence I can remember how
experimental it was, and that I knew it was that way and was fine with it.
Even though it was published quickly after being written, it carried a lot
of weight to me. The main reason I felt that way was because I thought this
place could be a haven for me to express my thoughts freely without getting
a large audience. In reading back through this I can feel the pride I had
then, of finally being brave enough to share something different. That was
special to me. But I'd do it a lot differently now.
     The paragraph preceding that one in parentheses wasn't meant to personally
attack anyone by any stretch of the imagination. It wasn't meant to reflect
that I'm not grateful to have the biological family I have, or that I don't
believe God placed individuals where they are with wisdom and purpose. I
certainly do believe those things. This was only meant to share specific
feelings and frustrations I had at the time, and to be open about the pain I
was going through, as I thought I wanted to do here. In my inexperience I
tried to get by that way without also sharing those overarching beliefs I
just mentioned, and I've realized a lot of people could misunderstand that.
     I mentioned I was posting this to be able to look back on what I've learned.
I'm not sure now what I meant by that; however, since then I have learned a
lot about presentation. I've learned to counter my points with clarification.
I've also learned sitting on thoughts overnight, and taking time to develop
them, is important on the internet, regardless of how strongly felt they are.
I'm still learning how to be more eloquent and I think I'll always still be
learning that.
     My last post here explains a lot of why I went silent afterwards. It's
because this place is tied to my past and my vulnerabilities. Two years ago
I came back after I'd been through a lot, and I was struggling to make this
work again; yearning for the avenue of self-expression I once had. Then I
discovered I couldn't feel safe here either. I'm progressing differently
now; spending some time developing and mastering my eloquence internally
so that when the time comes I'll be ready to share again. But it will take
a while.
     I didn't want to come back here. I'm only clearing those things up for
anyone who might visit in the future and read this, since the presentation
is pretty rough. I'm not here to apologize for the shortcomings I had in the
past, but rather to clarify my awareness of them. I'm not taking this down
in case it inspires someone else out there who's trying to stand up for
being different. But it's important for such a bold outlook to be set straight.